Open Dialogue International Community Forum

A Husband's Place in the Healing Journey and Mental Health Discussion at Large

#1

Hi,
13 years ago my wife began to show signs of extreme trauma and dissociation. It was a ‘eureka’ moment for our troubled marriage because it finally gave us a place to start dealing with the source of conflict and tension in our relationship (32 years now). The first 5 years were absolute chaos as I had to deal with my own issues, help my wife thru all of her ‘extreme states’ (‘psychosis’, flashbacks, panic attacks, mini-seizures, night terrors, going ‘comatose’, extreme anxiety and more), and slowly welcome into our family and marriage 7 other ‘alters’ who we always treated as full-members of the family (though it took them varying amounts of time to embrace that). Fortunately, that chaos is a distant memory at this point, though our healing journey is not completed.

I had to figure out how to apply attachment concepts to not only help her heal, but keep our family and marriage intact. Those concepts truly are the foundation of so much of our healing journey. And along the way, dissociation’s confusing labyrinth of manifestations began to make sense, and so we were able to tear down many of the walls between those ‘alters’ to the point that my wife is no longer a shattered collection of 8 disparate girls.

Our journey isn’t finished, and we both have come so far…but sadly I fit no where in this world. For a long time I tried to find a place at Mad in America. I have had limited contact with Bob Whitaker and Kermit Cole, but they just can’t seem to find a place for a husband like me who has taken such an active role in the healing journey and fully embraced the journey as ‘ours’ not ‘hers.’

I’ve contacted people all over the internet trying to find someone who might give me a chance to share the incredible lessons we have learned as our family walked thru hell together and made it out the other side as we discovered that deep, full healing is possible without drugs and without violating my wife’s agency.

If anyone would ever have interest in striking up a dialogue with me, it would mean more to me than you can imagine. I know I have something to offer this discussion on mental health, mental trauma and extreme dissociation and the key role family plays in the healing journey…if only I could find someone to give me the chance to do so. Since the day I heard about Open Dialogue, I have always wished it had been available to me and our family here in the States rather than having to figure all this out on my own. The blog below chronicles some of the many lessons we learned on our journey together as a family.

Yours,
Scott

#2

Hello Scott, drop me a mail at rex@simptr.com and we can explore this. Best wishes, Rex

#3

At the moment, due to travel and other restrictions I find myself in the UK and my wife in Austria and we are facing a catastrophic situation. I never expected to find myself in this position because I had hoped that I could make a difference in the acceptance of OD due to my wife’s condition with paranoid psychosis, but the worst that could happen has yesterday. She has suffered for some 18 years under the frankly incompetent care of several Professors of Psychiatry in Austria and and even more incompetent psychologist who was a friend of the family and therefore influenced by her parents. Having both been the CEO of a major London Mental Health NHS Trust and undertaken the introduction to OD in 2016 I quickly realised how inadequate their ‘care’ was. Over the course of several years I persuaded her, without the knowledge or consent of the Professors, to reduce the dosage of Haldol from 10mgms per day to 0.5mgms when she was also able to discontinue taking the drugs to combat the side effects of Haloperidol. She fared very well and engaged in social activities far more and wrote 2 books that were published. She only told her Professor what she had done when she reached much lower dosage levels. However all this changed when circumstances within her own family changed due to business and other pressures. The toxic relationship that had existed before arose again and I was unable to prevent her from being involved with the ultimate result that both her cancer returned and the psychosis reappeared. Her Professor of Psychiatry refused to have any contact with me nor inform me when she voluntarily self admitted during the more acute phases, and would not listen to my recommendation that the core issue was not personal but rather a family issue. Her brother has been privately seeking therapy for 20 years as well so there is sufficient evidence that there is a bigger issue at stake. Today I heard that she had excluded anyone from the family house she occupies and been alone for a week. No-one informs me despite requests that they keep me aware of her state. She is also very intelligent and aware and able to beat the system in hospital because she understands how they operate. Realising that she really needed help but unable to trust anyone to look after our pet dog she had him put down before admitting herself. So much for modern day psychiatry in Austria, it is out of date, stuck in the 1900’s and devoid of compassion with it’s arrogance and inhumane approach. All I sought to do was to help my wife live to her full potential , what has happened was preventable and is downright cruelty. Advice very welcome

#4

Dearest Rex,

Reading your thoughts about your current situation has generated a mixture of sadness and anger.
I fully remember like it was yesterday our talks about your wife.
One question first of all that comes to mind is: Is she safe?
Family and opennes to the loved ones is essential for recovery.
It is interesting that your wife has chosen distance and closing down.
Systems are slow to change and some way behind than others.
I hope the way Austrian mental health services work will not defeat your strive to help your wife.
Rex how are you doing with all this happening?

#5

I’m sorry, Rex. I wish I had a good answer for you. Is there anyone geographically close in Austria whom your wife would trust that can help in your place?

#6

Hello Sam, I have just received news that the vet did not carry out the procedure and our dog is alive but in poor shape (malnourished) with the Animal Ambulance. The vet we use will take him and look after him so that is a massive relief. The core issue remains that my wife’s lack of care created the situation , and that is what frustrates me above all else. Many thanks for your concern. Rex

#7

Dear Vincenzo, It is a ray of sunshine to hear from you in such times. I can only assume she is safe, but that is an interesting concept when you are dealing with someone who, although clearly in difficulty, has high intelligence and knows how to get around the system. She has closed down in stages but prompted by her father having a stroke and her believing she was the only one who cared for him, so her focus turned towards him, . He has made a reasonable recovery and returned home when the old issues arose again and their relationship, especially with her mother soured. All can I do at the moment is pray and hope that she does not contemplate suicide, which she has done before in their care. I will do everything in my power to help her, but at a distance makes it very difficult. I have hope though, and that love will triumph in the end.

#8

Dear Vincenzo, do drop me a line at rex@impeccia.org. The psychiatrist discharged my wife when she was suitably dehumanised despite my please that she still exhibited the signs of continuing psychosis through her emails to me. He ignored me correspondence and after a week she began to exhibit her symptoms again more publicly and with my prompting admitted herself again to the hospital yesterday. The level of inhumanoty and arrogance is beyond my imagination and i will attempt to set up a commission to review the efficacy of mental health services in Austria. I will no let this go, it is equivalent to the experimentation the Nazi’s did before they were exposed. Rex

#9

I thought it might be worth an update because the situation has not been resolved even now. The Christmas and New Year period have been the worst in my life as I was asked to come to Austria to support my wife. The only good news is that her family now realise that her care to date has been unacceptable and is open to advice and keen to help. Over the recent weeks the situation has been volatile with ever more help needed but nothing forthcoming from the authorities. The Professor of Psychiatry would not talk to me but eventually agreed to talk with her father and I accompanied him to the meeting. We offered a comprehensive account of the context and development of her condition and the fact that she had not been taking the prescribed medication for some 18months, contrary to her statements to him that she did. I was surprised that she told us this, but it was also consistent with the changes in her behaviour. Living alone for all this time she had also withdrawn and was not easy to communicate with. At the end of the visit we were given a prescription for her in case she had thrown away the medication, she hadn’t, and a bill for the ‘consultation’!!! Subsequently her state deteriorated and involved several screaming episodes whilst in public and eventually a request for help. This involves calling the police and them sending a doctor to assess the situation, so first we tried a crisis team who immediately confirmed she needed to be admitted for her own safety. 5 police officers duly arrived and the doctor followed. I had asked the Professor to speak with the doctor to confirm that he too agreed that she rally needed admission but despite this the doctor would not agree and we were eft with the problem, unless she self admitted we were powerless.
I do not need to explain the personal impact that this had, it was devastating given that the decision to use the police was the worst decision one has to make for someone you love, and the consequences seem awful. Isolating for a few days she eventually asked me to visit her again. I did and she seemed better but after talking and sitting with her for an hour she suddenly turned again and demanded I leave, and this seems to be the situation now . No formal help or contact from the professionals, and we are left to deal with the situation as best as we can. So here we are in 2022, but stuck in the dark ages with a defective and incompetent mental health service that believes all you need is medication. I don’t know what else to do except continue to try and persuade others that OD is by far the best and most economic solution to acute care, and maybe even a better help for those that have entered a more chronic period. Today was the first time I could sit with my wife and carefully go through the issues that trouble her and help her by listening and re-assuring her that, no matter what, I would be there when others were not. In 2 hours we managed to surface the core issues and open a dialogue for what she may be able to do alone.

#10

Hi Rex,
good to hear from you. I am sorry for the deeply painful time you and your wife are both going thru. I do understand in many ways, though our experience is different from yours. I hope you can find some support for both of you.
Sam

#11

When Rex gave an update, it made me think, perhaps, I would as well. About the time I wrote the initial post for this thread last January, I completed a 30-page booklet that summarized the most important lessons I had learned over the course of the previous 14 years while my wife and I walked the healing journey outside the mental health system using attachment concepts. I included a hyperlink at the bottom of this comment in case anyone would want to go to my website and download it.

I wish I knew how to rally interest for spouses, families and significant others to pull together and support each other as we help our loved ones heal. I also wish I could create interest from the leaders of Open Dialogue about the wonderful possibilities of transformational healing when those in my position are fully trained and empowered to do the things John Bowlby detailed decades ago. The healing available when the primary attachment figure fully embraces his/her role as taught by Bowlby is revolutionary when implemented.

I wish the best to everyone.
Sam

Before You Call for Help

#12

One of the aspects I began to appreciate after my introduction to OD was that it is far more beneficial than immediately obvious. Though the focus is on the person suffering, the fact that it also involves all those relevant to that person means you really do meet the principle of the hypocritic oath to ‘do no harm’. Current mental health practice doesn’t because those closest to the sufferer are excluded and their vulnerability is ignored. Caring for someone with such issues is tough and wears you down unless you also have support, which OD does offer too. From this it is clear that using OD offers the opportunity to both educate and help everyone involved in such difficult situations. It is a win/win situation for the individuals and society that also creates a far better economic outcome in the end. I am open to any suggestions/help in my quest to persuade politicians to understand and adopt this as a primary means of helping and preventing mental health conditions spread. Any offers welcome