Dear Rex and Alan, I notice my body responding to your words here Alan...tears welling up and a "felt sense of connection"....a resonance with-"Thus our thoughts, feelings and actions are continually visible and there is nowhere for us to hide them."
I also am noticing, as I go to find words to respond on this forum, a fear arising that I may respond in a way that others will judge or criticize. A fear arises within that I won't do it "right" and therefore may not be "acceptable," "smart" enough,...and all that currently goes with that... well enough dressed, the right kind of person to do this OD work, or present this OD work. I reality test these feelings. Am I being paranoid? No, actually I am not.
Then I turn within and look deeper into what I can understand about how I set up this challenge internally. I see and hear my father's voice in me who criticizes and always was looking for whether we/I were "smart" enough. I know he was also looking and wondering whether he too was smart enough to pull off his demanding work in a competitive world. HIs father called him "Damn Fool Putnam." Publically. His initials were DFP. HIs dad and his grandfather only went to grammar school and then to work. No high school. No college. No graduate school.
My mother, silently, was torn between wanting to accept my "differentness," creativity, me as an artist, a seeker after truth, my wild nature,- but also had a deep intergenerational terror of being shamed, of her children disgracing the family. She both wanted us to shape up and fit in, be successful in the social and professional world and also not to become "one with it." ( Anais Nin, "The artist is here to change the world, not ot become one with it.") This confused me. What were my instructions for how to be? Caught in a double bind which said, "Be free. Be yourself. Risk it because that is where greatness lies, where real contributions to the world lie" and also "Danger! If you are yourself, you will disgrace me and ruin our family's reputation and create disaster." My mother and I couldn't or didn't talk about this conflict. I wonder if we ever had if, she could have owned her ambivalence. I am seeing how these inner voices around the struggle to be my/oneself, authentic, honest self and at the same time be societally acceptable, graceful, polite, correctly dressed, "smart enough," appropriate, accepted and acceptable, as you and Steiner say, Allan, "Act in it, fully, and as harmoniously as possible." And if, I can "get it right,"-"Ethics, beauty and truth can converge...." What a tall challenge that is, still for me. I then feel instantly that I should have gotten this together by now, healed myself up and be able to function skillfully in the inner and outer worlds. "Be a success."
Taking a deep breath, feeling grateful to be able to unpack these inner conflictual instincts for survival and actualisation and thinking of you two now, Alan and Rex, with gratitude for you both and your offerings here. I offer mine as I go to work on an article I am struggling with, knowing "there is more work to do...."
"A night full of talking that hurts,
My worse held-back secrets.
Everything has to do with loving and not loving.
This night will pass.
Tomorrow there is more work to do. "
Alan's: "Thus our thoughts, feelings and actions are continually visible and there is nowhere for us to hide them." from the "great spiritual beings" inside us and you great beings reading this post.