Hi everyone and a Happy new year to all.
It isn’t easy for me to post this one, not so much for the uneasyness of sharing, but for the challenge of being brief and accurate at the same time. What i am going to describe is the ‘psychotic’ last months of my life and the way i interpret it.
My background is that of a chronic depression patient that went on and off meds and a carer of my sister who was diagnosed bipolar in 2006 and had 3 or 4 hospitalizations since. In the summer of 2015 i had a major depression episode, being unemployed since 2012, in the automn started meds, my doctor tried some combinations and in Christmas time i was better and easter found me well.
After a great summer vacation in October i had a psychotic-manic episode. I was able to identify it because i have watched my sister’s episodes and it was much alike though less dense, maybe because i was aware of what was going on when she didn’t. My doctor cut me off the antidepressant in a day and raised the antipsychotic dosage. Yet, as the days went by and i was feeling manic in a way but totally normal in the same time i decided to cut the antipsychotic meds in one day and let my doctor know about it. The conclusion was that he stopped seeing me since he felt i did not trust his opinion, thus him. I tried to explain that i trusted him but not his opinion at this point but this did not save the relationship, anyways.
My psychosis is like a journey of selfconsiousness interelated with my personal, my family’s, my country’s history. I seem to embody some creatures of the past, in Greek mythology, like the Psych, Alitheia, Ourania Afrodity and so on. The interesting is that i now read about these myths in an effort to understand what is going on to me, did not know of them before.
Besides mythical creatures, historical figures arise and some theories regarding the Left in Greece and the Nazi relation with the USA and some hidden aspects regarding Antarctica and the inner earth. Space is also involved but more like a mirror site of earthly events.
The man versus woman issue is critical. As if i have to try to resolve the uneasyness between the two sexes.
Oh, regarding politics, i seem to embody the theory of the One Pole as opposed to the Bipolar World of the cold war or Putin’s Multipolar contribution. That means that i suggest that all systems should be combined in order to create the one that works for all and includes everyone regardless of race or boundaries. So from antagonistic thesis i suggest an all inclusive dialectical coexistance.
Now this i conveied in some unknown to me body language that included me creating a huge ball in my hand threatening to toss it to the world and destroy it. I didn’t (hihi) i think i managed to persuade the ones i was talking to (?) about the correctness of my thesis.
For me it is as if the conscious part of my mind started communicating with the unconscious one. Like i had access to both in the same time. Besides it was like i was communicating with the ‘collective unconscious’ that brought me issues to resolve.
There is also a sexual aspect in all this, meaning very vivid love acts. Could be mere masturbation, yet someone uses my hand to write in the sheet that he loves me and wants me as hell. Well i hope it is indeed someone else and not just selfloving…
Anyway, all of this i share with you because my thought is this:
Every person is a small universe and embodies one. Therefore every psychotic person lives more vividly the antitheseis of this world, the deep blue recession - depression to the manic evolution - revolution. I think if we understand and accept this maybe no drugs will be ever needed again. We are not ill, we are evolving more rappidly thus not being understood in our times. Well, this seems to be my conclusion, totally empirical of course.
I know i must have written it a bit complicated, so dare to ask if you want more info!
Thanks for reading this.